Monday, October 8, 2012

Batman is not my friend

    I hate bats.  I hate them with a fiery passion reserved only for Roseanne Barr's voice and pilot light stoves.  I was reminded of how much I hate them tonight when I walked out of the building at work and around the corner and saw one flying around  all crazy and skittery.  My, what I'm now calling "Animal Tourette's" kicked in and I yelled "WOAH FUCKER" while probably looking like a certified crazy person backing away from what surely looked like nothing. 
    This isn't the first time I have freaked out because of the flying rats.  I once spotted a bat out of the corner of my eye while playing tennis and proceeded to freak out.  I threw my racket straight into the air while running to the car and locking myself in.  I would not come out until it was time to leave.  I also have taken off in a dead sprint while talking with my friends outside without a word to them about what was going on.  That freaked them out but surprisingly, they are still friends with me.  I can't control myself when I see a bat.  I lose all sense of rationality.  I suppose I should explain how my phobia began.
    It all started when I was sweet and innocent in the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school.  I had to have my jaw broken and wired shut for an agonizingly long (not for my family I'm sure) 8 and a half weeks.  I was at my grandma's house for family dinner and afterwards a bunch of my cousins and some aunts decided that we'd go for a walk around the village.  My grandma lived in a small village right on the lake where everyone knows everyone.  It's really a nice peaceful place, but on that night the peace was broken by my horrified, muffled screams.  See while we were all walking, enjoying the summer night and having a grand ole time, I ended up at the back of the pack.  I was probably distracted by something shiny as is wont to happen.  All of a sudden, out of the blue, something comes flying out of the night and directly onto my face.  Keep in mind, that my jaw was firmly wired shut and I was pretty much unable to make coherent sentences as it was.  I tried to swat it away which only angered the bat and it proceeded to get entangled in my hair.  Finally I got it dislodged and it flew away no worse for wear from the encounter.  I ran frantically to the group ahead screaming as best as I could without opening my mouth, tears were flowing down my cheeks and my family all stopped and tried to figure out what was wrong with me this time.  I have a history of weird accidents, remind me to tell the story of me running myself over with a 4 wheeler sometime.  When I was finally able to write down on my handy dandy little notepad that I carried for communication, what had happened, they all started laughing hysterically.  Thanks a lot fam!  Ever since that fateful day, I cannot even look at a bat on the TV without cringing and closing my eyes.  Just the though of the little flying petri dishes makes me shiver with disgust.  I learn as much as I can about them, (know your enemy!) and will gladly tell anyone who will listen about how horrible they are.  Bats have become my mortal enemy due to a warm summer night many years ago. 
  So no, Batman is not my friend.  Besides, I've always preferred Supergirl.  She's got a fantastic first name! 

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